Counting my breath… Breathe in, breathe out. The cool air blowing in from the window washes over me. My body is in the correct sleeping position. My pillow feels just right. I am ready to sleep.
But my head won’t let me.
My senses become more acute than a dog and a fly, I hear the reckless motorbikes zooming across the streets. Are the riders drunk or in a hurry. I hear a slower motorbike and its softer vroom, and is that a chimey laughter of a girl? I hear the steady wind, tickling through the unsteady leaves, and the leaves don’t dance to the beat. They’re off beat. The largo tempo of the wind is far from the allegretto of the leaves. The mismatch is making me uncomfo….
Please please please sleep. I have a test tomorrow, please…
I adjust my pillow a little bit. The wind is getting a bit chilling, and I pull my blankets tighter over myself. I observe the gap in the middle of my curtains, and the dim moonlight leaking through it as it becomes more luminescent by the minute. Shortly after, the moonlight that seemed so harmless before, now seems blinding, but my gaze was fixated upon it and I couldn’t tear my eyes away.
When cars pass by the window, their headlights’ shadow swings across the gap of my curtain. The light makes a little mesmerising ribbon, sometimes gold, sometimes white, but most of the time, colorless. Did you just ask how can you see something colorless? Well, the sore eyes at 1 am are able too. It gets a bit too hot, and I kick my blankets aside.
Come on… sleep… If you don’t, all the study you have done will be wasted… please…
As the night grows deeper, even the furniture falls asleep, snoring slightly along the ticks of the alarm clock on my table. A surge of panic suddenly flows through me, and my heart beats faster and faster, as I imagine my alarm going off. What if it goes off before I fall asleep? With every tick it seems more eager to go off, to tear open the night with its loud and shrieking screams. It’s going to go off, and ring with so much vigor and energy. And I begin to dread the alarm.
I resist the urge to check my phone, in fear of seeing the time that reads 2:43 am. That will sure despair me even more, and the worrying about the light and the alarm clock now morph into stress about the test I have next – the test I have studied an entire week for, the test for which I turned down all my friends’ invitation for. What if I …
Nonono, let’s not think about that, let’s go to bed. No seriously, what if I… STOP.
Every cell of my body is tingling with fatigue, and yet something is ordering my brain to run a marathon. Running and running and running in cycles of circular reasoning and thoughts. It is as if the world – completely ignored by me throughout the day – is demanding attention like a haughty 8 year old elementary school child. It wants to be noticed and cared for, despite my pleads to leave me alone, and despite how old it already is. It wants to be the center of all of my attention, and I feel like a bullied 3 year old trying to run away yet being tied by the feet. I want to escape to sleep-dom, but can’t seem to break away from its chains. Have I been too apathetic to it all along? Well, now is certainly not the time to think of that, is it?
Okok, please… last call, go to bed NOW.
And after incessant painful turns and worthless wonderings, I fall asleep, only to be waken up again the dreadful alarm a few minutes later. And I drag myself off to the test.
Wish me luck.